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Odysseus said,
on March 10th, 2006 at 10:59 pm
March 10, 2006
I Move For No Man: An Analysis Of Our Hallways
School is not an enjoyable place for most. It is bad enough that a student, at any given time, must worry about complex assignments, sometimes unlikable instructors, and tardiness. Nothing compliments the latter like the kid who can’t bring himself above the .0001 miles per hour shuffle.
This offender may take many forms; we’ll discuss a few here. First, (s)he could be the talker. The talker stops at every opportunity to start a conversation with any and everyone, known to them or not. However, the talker rarely grants the grace of moving out of the way first. There is also the couple. The couple prefers to ruin your morning with lewd displays you’d sometimes not see in a rated R movie. Because it takes two people to usually complete a couple, this results in more space robbed from the hallway. Finally there’s the apathetic individual. No one knows why (s)he gazes into the ceiling or floor whilst trudging along at a pace that would win a snail’s Olympics.
I have proposed three solutions to this problem.
You could wait until the halls clear to get to class. By far the most desirable and realistic solutions, though you would be avoiding the problem entirely. Not for those who refuse to “run away from their problems.” The pros and cons? Pros first: it involves low possibility of injury, no worries of suffocation from crowds of people, and it will lower blood pressure. The cons include: possible tardiness, problem mismanagement, and lingerers in the hallway. However, the pros outweigh the cons, in this case.
You could use violence and run through the hallways plow-style. This is often used by those on the edge, without regard to public safety. It should be noted that schools rarely condone violence. The pros: Get to class on time, attainment of adequate exercise, and a feeling of closure toward those who caused the problem. The cons, however: risk of injury, risk of disciplinary action, and whining / complaining from the victims.
The final solution, for the ambitious; try jetpack contruction. If you can’t get around a wall, go over it, right? Well pros include: getting to class quickly, possibly first, an honor rarely achieved by those who do not enjoy a 4.0 GPA. Also, low risk of injury assuming you can pilot the jetpack. Finally, a total success in dealing with the problem, and maybe coveted bragging rights.
This, however, is by far the most difficult and outlandish idea. The cons include: expenses, risk of crashing, and drop ceilings.
The most workable problem is obviously waiting for the halls to clear, and therefore it is recommended by me and likely most others. Though the frustration of the jammed hallway is infuriating on many levels, one must remember to keep a clear head and think logically to get around the offenders.
Maia said,
on March 12th, 2006 at 8:56 am
This is a very good satire. The problem is very real because students face this problem at school almost everyday. You did capture some of the right scenarios that take place in the hallway. Your ideas are very creative and come across very funny. I like how you layout the pros and cons from your standpoint. Overall I enjoyed reading your satire.
Odysseus said,
on March 13th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
I did, I believe, make the mistake of a personal commentary. I haven’t decided if I’m going to redo it altogether or try to modify it. I realize it contains satirical elements, presented in a slightly off way. I must try to present in a story form.
Odysseus said,
on March 16th, 2006 at 10:47 am
School in Newton Falls was a tremendously enjoyable experience for young Billy. He enjoyed the fantastic and nutritous school food, light workload, and most of all, the wide open hallways.
Billy began his day in Chemistry. He would stare at the Greek on the board, understanding every detail perfectly. After that enjoyable experience, he moved on to Trigonometry, where he would feel most comfortable, due to the lack of any challenging concepts. However, between classes was Billy’s favorite; the hallways. Every day he was able to traverse the halls quickly and easily, except for the occasional student standing in his way. It’s a good thing this happened or else Billy wouldn’t be late! To top it all off was the cafeteria. Such a fantastic, aromatic, mouth-watering, diverse, tasty, original, homemade, lovely selection of…….(just barely soggy) pizza…….was rarely seen in any other school. It was truely his favorite experience and he looked forward to paying such a small amount for these fantastic lunches. Billy loved this place.
Maia said,
on March 17th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
I like the way you wrote this satire, it comes off more sarcastic then the first satire. I like the way you used an average school day to tell your problems. Yes, our topics are very similar and I think a lot of other students can relate to these problems. Good Job!!!!
Odysseus said,
on March 21st, 2006 at 11:57 am
School in Newton Falls was a tremendously enjoyable experience for young Billy. He enjoyed the fantastic and nutritous school food, light workload, and most of all, the wide open hallways.
Billy began his day in Chemistry. He would stare at the Greek on the board, understanding every detail perfectly. After that enjoyable experience, he moved on to Trigonometry, where he would feel most comfortable, due to the lack of any challenging concepts. However, between classes was Billy’s favorite; the hallways. Every day he was able to traverse the halls quickly and easily, except for the occasional student standing in his way. It’s a good thing this happened or else Billy wouldn’t be late! Then there was the cafeteria. Such a fantastic, aromatic, mouth-watering, diverse, tasty, original, homemade, lovely selection of…….(just barely soggy) pizza…….was rarely seen in any other school. It was truely his favorite experience and he looked forward to paying such a small amount for these fantastic lunches. The last class of the day was Physics. Billy knew his teacher had the utmost knowledge of how everything worked, and he was soon nailing down 100% test scores. After school Billy went straight to work. Billy loved the grocery store! Dealing with very friendly customers that knew exactly what they were talking about was the highlight of his day. If he was lucky enough, he would even get floor mopping detail and could spend his time making sure your shoes got the proper shopping experience. After he got off of his shift, he could be sure boredom was never a problem with his exciting homework. Billy couldn’t wait to get his ample sleeping time and do it all again!
on March 10th, 2006 at 10:59 pm
March 10, 2006
I Move For No Man: An Analysis Of Our Hallways
School is not an enjoyable place for most. It is bad enough that a student, at any given time, must worry about complex assignments, sometimes unlikable instructors, and tardiness. Nothing compliments the latter like the kid who can’t bring himself above the .0001 miles per hour shuffle.
This offender may take many forms; we’ll discuss a few here. First, (s)he could be the talker. The talker stops at every opportunity to start a conversation with any and everyone, known to them or not. However, the talker rarely grants the grace of moving out of the way first. There is also the couple. The couple prefers to ruin your morning with lewd displays you’d sometimes not see in a rated R movie. Because it takes two people to usually complete a couple, this results in more space robbed from the hallway. Finally there’s the apathetic individual. No one knows why (s)he gazes into the ceiling or floor whilst trudging along at a pace that would win a snail’s Olympics.
I have proposed three solutions to this problem.
You could wait until the halls clear to get to class. By far the most desirable and realistic solutions, though you would be avoiding the problem entirely. Not for those who refuse to “run away from their problems.” The pros and cons? Pros first: it involves low possibility of injury, no worries of suffocation from crowds of people, and it will lower blood pressure. The cons include: possible tardiness, problem mismanagement, and lingerers in the hallway. However, the pros outweigh the cons, in this case.
You could use violence and run through the hallways plow-style. This is often used by those on the edge, without regard to public safety. It should be noted that schools rarely condone violence. The pros: Get to class on time, attainment of adequate exercise, and a feeling of closure toward those who caused the problem. The cons, however: risk of injury, risk of disciplinary action, and whining / complaining from the victims.
The final solution, for the ambitious; try jetpack contruction. If you can’t get around a wall, go over it, right? Well pros include: getting to class quickly, possibly first, an honor rarely achieved by those who do not enjoy a 4.0 GPA. Also, low risk of injury assuming you can pilot the jetpack. Finally, a total success in dealing with the problem, and maybe coveted bragging rights.
This, however, is by far the most difficult and outlandish idea. The cons include: expenses, risk of crashing, and drop ceilings.
The most workable problem is obviously waiting for the halls to clear, and therefore it is recommended by me and likely most others. Though the frustration of the jammed hallway is infuriating on many levels, one must remember to keep a clear head and think logically to get around the offenders.
on March 12th, 2006 at 8:56 am
This is a very good satire. The problem is very real because students face this problem at school almost everyday. You did capture some of the right scenarios that take place in the hallway. Your ideas are very creative and come across very funny. I like how you layout the pros and cons from your standpoint. Overall I enjoyed reading your satire.
on March 13th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
I did, I believe, make the mistake of a personal commentary. I haven’t decided if I’m going to redo it altogether or try to modify it. I realize it contains satirical elements, presented in a slightly off way. I must try to present in a story form.
on March 16th, 2006 at 10:47 am
School in Newton Falls was a tremendously enjoyable experience for young Billy. He enjoyed the fantastic and nutritous school food, light workload, and most of all, the wide open hallways.
Billy began his day in Chemistry. He would stare at the Greek on the board, understanding every detail perfectly. After that enjoyable experience, he moved on to Trigonometry, where he would feel most comfortable, due to the lack of any challenging concepts. However, between classes was Billy’s favorite; the hallways. Every day he was able to traverse the halls quickly and easily, except for the occasional student standing in his way. It’s a good thing this happened or else Billy wouldn’t be late! To top it all off was the cafeteria. Such a fantastic, aromatic, mouth-watering, diverse, tasty, original, homemade, lovely selection of…….(just barely soggy) pizza…….was rarely seen in any other school. It was truely his favorite experience and he looked forward to paying such a small amount for these fantastic lunches. Billy loved this place.
on March 17th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
I like the way you wrote this satire, it comes off more sarcastic then the first satire. I like the way you used an average school day to tell your problems. Yes, our topics are very similar and I think a lot of other students can relate to these problems. Good Job!!!!
on March 21st, 2006 at 11:57 am
School in Newton Falls was a tremendously enjoyable experience for young Billy. He enjoyed the fantastic and nutritous school food, light workload, and most of all, the wide open hallways.
Billy began his day in Chemistry. He would stare at the Greek on the board, understanding every detail perfectly. After that enjoyable experience, he moved on to Trigonometry, where he would feel most comfortable, due to the lack of any challenging concepts. However, between classes was Billy’s favorite; the hallways. Every day he was able to traverse the halls quickly and easily, except for the occasional student standing in his way. It’s a good thing this happened or else Billy wouldn’t be late! Then there was the cafeteria. Such a fantastic, aromatic, mouth-watering, diverse, tasty, original, homemade, lovely selection of…….(just barely soggy) pizza…….was rarely seen in any other school. It was truely his favorite experience and he looked forward to paying such a small amount for these fantastic lunches. The last class of the day was Physics. Billy knew his teacher had the utmost knowledge of how everything worked, and he was soon nailing down 100% test scores. After school Billy went straight to work. Billy loved the grocery store! Dealing with very friendly customers that knew exactly what they were talking about was the highlight of his day. If he was lucky enough, he would even get floor mopping detail and could spend his time making sure your shoes got the proper shopping experience. After he got off of his shift, he could be sure boredom was never a problem with his exciting homework. Billy couldn’t wait to get his ample sleeping time and do it all again!